


ID: the skies have been gloomier

by alovelyvixen



Series: NCTzens Would Like This Too (TMI) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Other, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, everyone except taeyong is mentioned for like a split second, im just sad, okay this isnt a normal fic, taeyong being sad, taeyong wants to be loved, this is a sad thing i wrote at night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 18:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18371654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alovelyvixen/pseuds/alovelyvixen
Summary: the sheet of paper reads: 'when do i feel most happy? when do i feel happy? when i’m on stage. when i’m being loved.'





	ID: the skies have been gloomier

**Author's Note:**

> honestly ?? im just sad and the summary is an actual quote from taeyong. this will be apart of my TMI series, which isn't all going to be sad i promise. twitter wanted me to post this, so read at your own risk ig
> 
> aside from this i have actually good stuff planned i just need to get all the extra ideas out of my brain

As someone who is doted upon by millions and showered with various forms of praise every day, it seems impossible to feel anything but happiness.

 

There is no way of understanding what Taeyong feels on the inside.

 

There are millions of fans out there that love him, and would do anything for him, and at least half a dozen fellow members that would also. He forgets who he is when he is dancing, or rapping, because he is unstoppable. Lee Taeyong has long gone by the time he takes center stage. It is almost as if he became a new person, which is the perfect ploy to make him forget. He’s perfectly happy feeling like someone else.Lately, something has simply been plaguing his soul, which could only be described as an inexplicable loneliness and longing that weighed him down the second cameras were pointed away from him.

 

He is expected to be a great leader, and the perfect male for the Korean media to look upon. Taeyong does have a great amount of skills; Cooking, cleaning, drawing, rapping, singing, dancing. Surely NCTzens could come up with a much longer list. In practice, he was the perfect man. But who is there to support the perfect man? Who is there to amend him back to excellence when he falls apart?

 

The other members are supportive. They all have their own struggles, and he knows it firsthand. As leader, they come to him for support and occasionally, advice. Donghyuck has endless internal bouts about his appearance. Mark is very insecure about how he appeases the fans. WinWin has qualms about how he presents himself almost always. Yuta felt strongly about how he placed in the group and cried at night sometimes. There was yet another list that could go on; Almost every member had come to be reliant on him for moral support.

 

There is nothing wrong with being trusted. It made him happy that he relayed himself in such a way that he was deemed trustworthy by members of all ages and confided in.

 

But who knew him? Who knew his insecurity about his body? His doubt in his singing? His self - consciousness about how he sometimes acted? His loneliness? His unbearably bad insomnia lately? The anxiety about NCT becoming bigger and him having to take more and more responsibilities?

 

Nobody noticed when the stylists had to give him a lighter shade for his under eyes, or when they would ask him why his cuticles were bleeding and attempt to cover it up.

 

What they did notice is when he would doze off whenever time allowed, or be quieter when they were away from any sort of promotion, or lock himself in his rooms back at the dorm. Most of all, they noticed when his food would stay in the fridge, and he would miss out on hanging out with others. Did it make any sort of difference? No. They still came to him, and begged for his shoulder to cry on. They felt as though they all shared similar problems, and that Taeyong would be fine.

 

One of SM’s most treasured idols was not okay.

 

There were times when the fans themselves would notice that he was more poignant and less lively than he usually was, or when he would not be taking lead. It was slightly mood - lifting at times to know that someone, though barely knowing anything about him personally, noticed his decline and took to caring. More often than not, fansites would catch him smiling in joy. It was the closest thing to being truly loved that he could experience.Their trip to America was the perfect example of this. So much pressure was on him as a leader, a main dancer, a main rapper, the face of the group, to lead all ten of them to success in another country.

 

It was frustrating, not being able to speak great amounts of English to the fans. After that, his absence on all platforms was noticeable.

 

More than anything, Taeyong craved any type of love. Love from NCTzens was nice to have, just as it was from the members, but it was ineffective. Yes, he did appreciate it and it kept him going, but it wasn’t what he was looking for.

 

Someone needed to be there for him to listen to his insecurities, and support him when he was feeling down. It was not a longing for love, but the knowledge that he was not completely alone in facing great obstructions of responsibility. It would be nice to have a hug when he was feeling down, or a reassuring lecture when he was dreading the sight of his own face and the sound of his own voice; A simple spirit there to make the skies blue again.

 

As each day goes on, Taeyong notices that he skies have been gloomier. Upon opening up the shutters in the morning, the sun shines and casts light around him, but quickly dissipates with the clearing of his vision.

 

The sun has retreated away from his direct line of vision and instead served as a lamp in a dark room.

 

Sunlight is supposed to be good for people; Why has it done nothing but make his chest tight? With the sunlight that illuminates the room, he is revealed to the world. As long as he is visible, he bears this heavy resurgence of the life he lives. Either he can hate the person he has become from the life he has chosen to live, or keep walking the path he is taking.

 

Special people got love that wasn’t subjective. Taeyong wasn’t special. In the reality of it all, he was just another handsome face in Korea, and just another leader, of just another group. There’s nothing special about being him.

 

The current sun that takes residence in the sky keeps the clouds looming over his head and brings nothing but shadows over him. Most of the thoughts that ran through his head were not true, but he did not know any better. If he had no proof to prove it otherwise, or any witnesses to testify the false nature of his statements, who was he to ignore it? Taeyong wants someone to be his new sun. Someone needed to break light through his cloudy mind and bring the positivity he needed to him every morning, and rid his life of gloomy skies. Taeyong just wants to be loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm Marcie! If you want to follow me / talk to me / stalk me / roleplay (i rp bts and nct pls rp with me lmao) my twitter is [here](https://twitter.com/plushiebubu) , my curiouscat (to leave me feedback and suggestions) is [here](https://curiouscat.me/femmeyong) , and my kakaotalk is marciexbam! :)
> 
> Enjoy my works! x


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